Pornography Use – How Parents Can Help Their Kids

Pornography use is on the rise. Many of my clients are reporting earlier and earlier first-time use. The ease of access has increase as well as the severity of first-time exposure. Many of my clients report that they stumbled upon pornography online as they were researching something for school when they were in elementary. They state that they weren’t looking for it, but saw it and became curious. They went on to view it without others knowing. For years, they report, they used it being ‘curious’. It eventually, however, turned into something that they became to rely on. As the stress and uncomfortableness of life increased, dopamine (among other natural chemicals in the body) numbed them and helped them feel ‘good’ when they weren’t. This is partly how they ended up using more and more over time and how it becomes an addiction. The behavioral patterns (for example – making sure you are alone, opening a web browser, typing in search terms, viewing and then masturbating) became a routine that they went to deal with life. Many of my clients ended up not talking to someone in the beginning because they didn’t think about it, or they didn’t want to get in trouble, or they didn’t think it was a problem, etc. They went years without anyone asking about their emotions or specifically if they had had any experience with pornography. Parents are in a perfect position to intervene early. They can watch for warning signs, or they can just assume that exposure to pornography is going to happen and talk with their children about it. When you do this, make sure you talk with your children specifically instead of in general terms. Instead of saying, ‘is everything ok?’ ask them, ‘have you ever seen pornography online?’. Deciding when is the right time to talk with them about it and what specific questions to ask can be tricky. However, asking them in some form and at some point – early on – is crucial. Instead of shaming them if they say that they have (for example – ‘you shouldn’t have done that!’), talk with them about being curious, about how it might be interesting to wonder about their body and about how they work and how they are meant to feel good. You can also talk about your standards of how and when to appropriately explore your body and others. Sometimes a good counselor can help navigate these discussions. Over the years, I have worked with numerous individuals who tell me they wish that their parents had talked with them earlier on about pornography. They tell me that they might have avoided the years of pain and struggle that followed early first-time exposure and use.

 

We have counselors in our Orem, Spanish Fork and American Fork offices that are trained to help you and your loved ones heal from the devastating impact of pornography.

Therapist Spotlight: Hayden Gillies

Hayden Gillies received his Bachelors degree in Family Science from Utah Valley University in 2019. He is currently working to earn a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, also from Utah Valley University. He has worked with the Foundation for Family Life of Utah to oversee an addiction recovery program and has performed evaluative interviews and taught fatherhood classes at the Salt Lake County Jail.

Hayden is passionate about helping families, couples, and individuals. He believes that connection is vital to a healthy physical, social, and mental life, and he works hard to help his clients take necessary steps to achieve their goals. He is driven to help all those who may be struggling with anxiety, marital conflict, self-harm, and many other mental health and familial issues. Hayden is also highly familiar with challenges facing the LGBTQ+ community.
Hayden lives in Spanish Fork with his wife. In his free time, he enjoys singing, reading, and playing board games with his family.
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Hayden works with individuals, couples, and families, and is currently taking new clients in our Orem office. 
To learn more and schedule an appointment, contact us at 801 477 0041, or via email at assistant@provofamilies.com. 

Couples Therapy – Pornography Problems

Pornography use is on the rise and the age of first exposure is starting earlier and earlier. Research (Davis, Perry in 2017) has also found that breakups in romantic relationships are twice as more likely to happen 6 years down the road for those who use pornography compared to those who don’t. Others have found that sexual satisfaction levels are negatively impacted in couples when pornography is used (Willoughby, Brown, Busby, Carroll, Larson, Yorgason in 2017).

 

There is no question that pornography use negatively impacts individuals and relationships. But, what do you do about it? For many, counseling is seen as taboo or something they do not want to do. Some struggle with it because they do not want to face the issues in their marriage. Some come to therapy because they have been given an ultimatum. Others come because they think that a therapist can ‘fix’ them. It is difficult to get in for therapy, let alone getting in for an issue with pornography. Pornography issues are seen as a dirty, disgusting thing that you don’t talk about and don’t get help with – something that you can overcome on your own. The problem is that it is not something that people overcome on their own. They need help.

 

Couples therapy for those struggling with pornography use is different than you might imagine. It is not shamming or blaming. It takes into consideration everyone’s experiences and emotions. Counseling includes everyone rather than excludes someone. It doesn’t excuse behavior, but rather holds them accountable in an appropriate manner.

 

We recently moved to Orem. We offer professional, high quality counseling for couples in Orem, Utah and Utah Valley.

Boundaries With Others – How To Set Them

When you’re trying to create boundaries with people they will be tested. It’s like when cows enter a new pasture, they will knock their shoulder against the perimeter a few times to check out where their boundaries are and how strong they are. Cows are strong enough to take down barbed wire if they really wanted to, but they aren’t really testing if they can get out, they are testing if they are safe from the external world. Once they know that the boundaries are consistent and stable they feel safe and they graze in the middle. If the cows don’t have that consistent boundary they will rely on the cowboy to tell them when they have gone too far. The cowboy, however, doesn’t have consistent boundaries, they will only correct the cow when they notice the cow has gone too far, which doesn’t create a feeling of safety. People are the same when they have never experienced consistent boundaries, or they are experiencing new boundaries. People will test boundaries, not enough to break them but enough to trust that they are there to stay and to trust that they are there to keep them safe.

A lot of young adults who never experienced boundaries, because their parents wanted to be their friend. They have a great relationship with their parents, but they will tell me that they feel like they grew up as an orphan because they don’t have a secure home base. but they will tell me that they are afraid to explore and take risks as an adult because they can’t trust that they have parents who are watching out for them, to make sure they don’t make a mistake big enough to ruin their entire life.

It’s important that people are given the space to grow and find their own solutions within appropriate limits. When your setting limits the goal is not to get a specific outcome, rather the goal is to prevent a specific outcome. It is quite spectacular what people can come up with when their possibilities aren’t limited, but just the same we don’t want anyone hurting themselves or others in the process. Limits are set to prevent irreversible and/or irreplaceable damage, while still allowing people to learn how to cope with and improve from mistakes.

When cattle are being herded they have the instinct to turn around when they feel blocked, which can be disruptive to the flow and requires more work to redirect them back into the flow. To redirect a cow, you want them to feel pressure on their shoulder. If you are in front of them when you apply this pressure they feel blocked, if you are beside them when you apply this pressure they will simply turn a bit from where they shouldn’t be. People are the same, when they are told to stop doing what they are doing (and they don’t continue trampling over you) they will do a complete turnaround, even if this wasn’t your intention. If you’re only wanting a slight redirection from a no-go zone you want to adjust your approach to let them know that you understand that they want to move forward, and you want that too, but you want them going forward in a slightly different direction.

Written by Madison Price, MA, LAMFT – therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

 

Pornography Counseling

Pornography addiction is becoming more prevalent in our society. Organizations like Fight the New Drug do a great job of educating the public on the harmful effects of pornography. What do you do if you struggle and can’t seem to find a way out? For many, the way out seems elusive and unobtainable. It’s difficult to find how when you have tried so many things, only to have this problem keep coming back. Many that come into counseling have already been before and are discouraged that they just can’t ‘get over it’. Knowing how to use the power or education and relationships is part of the answer. A good therapist can help you access both in your efforts to let go of this addiction. At the Center for Couples and Families we specialize in relationship therapy in regard to pornography use. Knowing how to communicate with your loved ones about this difficulty is an important part of the process.