Stuck on You: 4 Things That Show You Have a Healthy Relationship

Think back to when you were a child. Do you remember someone who was always there for you? Someone who was responsive to your needs and well-being? If you do, you could quite possibly have a secure attachment to that person. It turns out, this is a very important thing as we age and create new relationships with our significant other. Securely attached relationships “tend to be happier, more stable, and more satisfying.”1 

On the other hand, someone who never had that responsive caretaker or felt that their needs were not met could likely have developed an insecure attachment. This could cause trouble for your relationship. “Anxious attachment can appear as neediness and nagging in adult relationships. Avoidant attachment behavior can appear as withdrawn from emotional connection with a fear of being rejected.”2 Luckily there are ways to spot the issues and professionals that are able to help you or a loved one overcome their insecure attachment.

Here are 4 ways a healthy attachment keeps your relationship on the right track: 

  1. There is plenty of trust to go around.

If you grew up in a place where you had someone who was responsive and available. You likely have created a healthy attachment to that person. This helps us as we get older to establish these same types of trusting relationships with our significant other. Trust is an essential part of a healthy relationship.

  1. You are here to stay.

You were able to work through difficult times and situations with your figure of attachment from a young age. There was no fear of abandonment. As an adult you take that quality and express it yourself. You are there for your significant other and they are there for you, through the good times and the rough times.

  1. You are always improving.

In situations where there is an insecure attachment from a young age, professionals have found these people have a hard time taking feedback from anyone. If you find yourself grateful or eager to improve to help your relationship you likely have had a secure attachment from a young age.

  1. You may be upset but you are not yelling.

Insecure attachment in relationships often leads to short tempers and shouting contests. With secure attachments you are able to navigate your emotions and express yourself in a way that allows you to discuss disagreements, disputes or other uncomfortable topics that come up. Even if you are mad, you can keep your cool and make it out better on the other side.

So, what if things are not so good?

Even if you had a difficult relationship in your early years with your guardian, attachment styles can be worked through and improved. A person who experiences avoidant or anxious attachment styles can create a secure attachment with their spouse or partner. This can be done by developing an understanding of attachment styles, considering each person’s role in the relationship by removing blame, and creating new ways to interact with each other.2

Working through these steps to build a secure attachment with a spouse can be a process of change for both partners. It could be beneficial to work with a professional to have additional guidance throughout the process.

 

References

  1. Johnson, S. M. (2020). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: creating connection. New York, NY: Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.

2. Weeks, G. R., & Fife, S. T. (2014). Couples in Treatment: Techniques and Approaches for Effective Practice. Taylor and Francis.

 


This article was provided by Shelise Williams; therapist at the Center for Couples and Families.

To learn more or schedule an appointment, contact us at 801 477 0041, or assistant@provofamilies.com.

Therapist Spotlight- Shelise Williams

 

Shelise Williams, a Utah native, in 2012 earned a bachelor’s degree in Human Behavior with an emphasis in Psychology from Utah Valley University. As an undergraduate, she spent time working with youth and families helping them learn essential family skills, improving their familial relationships in the Strengthening Family’s Program. In 2013, she spent time mentoring and educating at-risk youth. In 2015, she and her husband moved to Singapore, working with and understanding diverse populations from all over the region.

Currently, she resides in Utah County and is in the Master of Marriage and Family Therapy program at Utah Valley University. She is working on research involving pornography, moral incongruence and shame. Her education and training in family, adolescents and cultural diversity has led her to understand the uniqueness that each individual brings to a couple and a family. Her hobbies include getting outside in the Utah mountains and experiencing new places and new recreational activities with her husband.


Shelise is a therapist at the Center for Couples and Families in Orem, Utah.

Shelise works with individuals, couples, and families. To find out more or book an appointment, contact us at 801 477 0041 or assistant@provofamilies.com.

 

Parenting: It’s Not What You Think

 

Parenting: It’s Not What You Think

The ever-growing ideologies of parenthood offer two polar scenarios. The first is a beautiful imagery of always smiling children, as if they are cherubim with harps playing harmoniously in the background. Parents and children holding and hands and skipping in sync with bluebird’s sweet calls, complete with a rainbow crowning every day’s joyous experience. Alternatively, parenting children can be pictured as Jack-Jack from The Incredibles is portrayed: little devils that are on a merciless rampage, destroying everyone and everything in their path. While there is truth to both, it is no falsification that parenthood can be fulfilling and enjoyable and yet incredibly frustrating and draining. When your child hits their sibling, spills their dinner, yells incessantly, how do you react? What is in your arsenal of go-to consequences? At the end of a long day, filled with negative behavior left and right, do you find yourself defeatedly asking, “what do I do when nothing has worked?” What if you were told, “it’s not them, its you?” 

It can be terrifying to admit that you may be maintaining problematic behaviors, but shame aside, there is an intrinsic freedom in it. Recognizing detriments to progress delivers hope and increases motivation. I specialize in working with children who struggle with behavioral problems, focusing on systemic parental influences. I use the “Parenting Pyramid”, developed by the Arbinger Institute, to understand and treat underlying issues. The pyramid incorporates five different facets, often unaddressed, that unknowingly influence parenting proficiency. (Pictured below) 

At the foundation of positive parenting is each parent’s personal way of being. It is difficult to show endless compassion and love to others when you do not have it for yourself. Working the 24/7 hours of parenthood while battling one’s own debilitating depression, anxiety, physical ailment or self-deprecation is nearly unbearable. Therefore, seeking help for personal issues is the first step in improving your child’s behavior. 

If a positive relationship with one’s self is the foundation of positive parenting, the husband/wife (partnered) relationship is a close second. Children quickly pick up on emotions, behaviors and processes. Consciously or not, parents are continuously modeling to their children appropriate ways to behave in relationships with others. Partners that are close and connected are better able to model positive behavior to their children. 

Similarly, the specific parent/child relationship is of vital importance. Children will mirror what they see, behaving in relationships how they are treated themselves. If parent/child relationships are built on connection, unwavering love and trust, children will be more open to being taught, advised and if necessary, corrected. 

Most have heard the popular saying, “Give a man a fish and he will eat for one day. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime.” The same should be emphasized for children. If they are taught the reasoning behind not doing something (i.e., Please do not jump on the couch. Remember how badly it hurt when you tripped and scraped your knee? If you fall off the couch, you could scrape your knees even worse than that, and seeing you in pain makes me sad) they are much more likely to understand and follow through with requests. It is much easier to move forward if you know the direction that you are supposed to be moving in. 

At the very top, and let me emphasize, after all facets below have been addressed thoroughly, children can receive correction. Notice that the word is not punishment or criticism. Correction is an opportunity to express disapproval of one’s behavior, while teaching and modeling correct behavior in a loving manner. When you spank your child is out of anger? When words are harshly uttered do you regret it? Correction is behavior management that makes sense and is done purposefully. Using this approach, the parent/child relationship maintains its stability and the likelihood of the continuation of the negative behavior decreases.

 

Quick Tips for Behavior Change:

  • Don’t react out of anger. If your child does something that frustrates you, take a break, and then use correction in a purposeful manner. 
  • Go out on a date with your significant other to strengthen your relationship.
  • Take time to do something for yourself. Reflect on what you may need to do more or less of to enhance personal well-being. 
  • Positive Time-Out- If children are overstimulated and need a break from others, provide a safe place where they can experience a positive outlet. (i.e., read a book, do a puzzle, play with stuffed animals, draw/color/paint, etc.)
  • Balance every corrective statement you give your child with 5 compliments or encouragements. 
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This article was provided by Kaelie Lemmon, therapist at the Center for Couples and Families.
Kaelie works with individuals, couples, and families, and is currently taking new clients in our Orem office. 
To learn more and schedule an appointment, contact us at 801 477 0041, or via email at assistant@provofamilies.com. 

 

Therapist Spotlight: Kaelie Lemmon

 

Kaelie Lemmon, originally from Bluebell, Utah, received her bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University in Family Studies. She is currently a master’s student at Utah Valley University. She has background in crisis situations and behavioral therapy with children and teens. She has published an article with United Families International, emphasizing the role of love and connection in the change process.

In 2014, she began working in the medical field as both a Certified Nurse Assistant (CNA) and Emergency Medical Technician (EMT). Since 2014, Kaelie has been working in trauma and crisis situations and recognizes the huge impact that the physiological body has on relationships and mental health. In 2017, Kaelie began working with children and teens diagnosed with Autism as a Behavior Technician. Her education and training in both behavioral therapy and the medical field have led her to have a deep understanding of the cross-over of physical and mental health and the complexity of children’s experiences and thought processes, which influences her personal approach working with clients. She loves spending time outdoors, playing the piano, reading, and playing card games.

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Kaelie works with individuals, couples, and families, and is currently taking new clients in our Orem office. 
To learn more and schedule an appointment, contact us at 801 477 0041, or via email at assistant@provofamilies.com. 

 

Anxiety as Young Adults

Anxiety is a common struggle among many young adults. Between the stresses of school, work, dating, family relationships, thinking about the future, or other similar things it can seem impossible not to be anxious at times. With anxiety being highly treatable, there are many of things that you can do, even at home to help relieve the symptoms of anxiety. Understanding what is going on with your brain and body when you experience anxiety is an important first step in feeling relief.

 

When you are feeling anxious it is like your brain is setting off a fire alarm, telling the rest of your body that you are in danger. Even though you are likely not in danger your body, in this moment, reacts as if you were. While this fire alarm is going off in your brain you may experience sweaty hands, tense shoulders or neck, stomach wrenching, throat feeling closed off, chest pain, blood pumping faster, headaches, or tight muscles. It is helpful to realize and become aware of the physical symptoms you experience, as it can be difficult to realize when you are feeling anxious otherwise. Once you are able to recognize some of the symptoms, then you can try a technique to soothe your mind and body.

 

One of the quickest and easiest ways to relieve anxiety is deep breathing exercises. A great breathing exercise you can try is to simply take a deep breath in for a count of 4, then hold your breath for a count of 7, then breath out for a count of 8. (It is important to keep in mind that each person’s lung capacity is different, so adjust the counts as necessary.) Do as many sets of the breathing as necessary to start feeling calmer, but usually somewhere around 5-7 sets. If you still feel panicked and anxious, continue to do as many sets as you need to feel your body start to slow down.

 

Taking some deep breaths may seem too simple to actually help, after all anxiety can feel crippling at times. However, deep breathing has been proven over and over again to change your bodies’ physiological response to anxiety. When your body is under these moments of stress and panic, the sympathetic nervous system releases adrenaline and other chemicals which create all those symptoms mentioned earlier. Taking deep breaths activates the vagus nerve-one of the largest nerves in the body starting in the brain stem and extending down the neck all the way to the abdomen. The vagus nerve is responsible for mood regulation, heart rate, and digestion, so it is no wonder that by breathing and activating the vagus nerve it can make such a big difference in the way our bodies and minds feel.

 

The next time you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with life’s many tasks and stressors, take a moment, wherever you are, and take some deep breaths to invite your body and mind to relax and come back to the present moment. Although anxiety may feel overwhelming and like you are stuck, remember there is always a way out.

 

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This article was written by Hannah Grow, MFT Intern for the Center for Couples and Families.

Hannah is currently taking new clients at our Orem location.

To schedule an appointment, call us at 801 477 0041.

Therapist Spotlight- Hannah Grow

Hannah earned her bachelor’s degree in Behavioral Science from Utah Valley University. She is currently working on a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Utah Valley University. She is a certified Family Wellness Instructor and has taught education courses to teens and families to help improve relationships and life skills. She is currently working as an adjunct faculty in the Family Science department at Utah Valley University and loves it.
 
She is particularly passionate about working with couples experiencing infertility and communication problems, adolescents struggling with depression and anxiety, and young adults facing transitional issues.
Hannah enjoys yoga, snowboarding, hiking, camping, caring for her plants, organizing, and weightlifting.
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Hannah works with individuals, couples, and families, and is currently taking new clients in our Orem office. 
To learn more and schedule an appointment, contact us at 801 477 0041, or via email at assistant@provofamilies.com. 

Center for Couples and Families is Moving!

Center for Couples and Families is moving!
Center for Couples and Families will relocate to a newly-remodeled building at the mouth of Provo Canyon this October.
 
The beautiful, redesigned building, located just west of Provo Canyon off of East 800 North, will provide a modern, updated facility for our clients to continue attending sessions with our highly-qualified therapist and aid in facilitating our growing clinic.  
The new facility will be located at 1426 East 820 North, Orem, Utah, 84097. 
 
Center for Couples and Families provides therapy for couples, children, teens, families, and individuals with highly qualified, expert therapists. To be a part of this exciting change, schedule an appointment with a certified marriage and family therapist by calling 801 477 0041.

How to Accept Criticism From a Spouse Without Taking Offense

“Criticism can be hard to swallow in general. But when you have to accept criticism from someone you love, it can be even more difficult.

Dr. Lisa Hansen shares how being good at criticizing can help us take someone else’s criticism better.”

Featuring Dr. Lisa Hansen, PhD, LMFT, Therapist at The Center for Couples and Families and Flourish Counseling Services

“I’m Sorry, What’s Wrong?”- Part One

“I’m sorry”… We hear it almost as often as we hear hello. We ask for those words, and yet when we hear them they are so overused it often doesn’t feel like enough. This leaves both parties confused as to what is actually needed to repair their relationship. There are currently two ways we use “I’m Sorry.” The first is to apologize for wronging someone, the second is to share distress with someone else. Both are over used and no longer hold the meaning they once did.

When I’m sorry is used to apologize to often it begins to feel like a get out of jail free card people often come into therapy feeling hopeless. Often there is no understanding as to why an apology is needed and they are simply trying to move past the anxiety in the relationship. However, every time they use “I’m sorry”, it loses meaning. The person needing an apology continues interpreting others behavior as intent to inflict pain, because they felt like there was an understanding and the behavior continues.

Naturally the question becomes what should we do instead. Most important is understanding. We simply can’t be responsible for knowing instinctively everything people find insulting. What some people find inexcusable in a relationship others may encourage in a relationship as funny due to the meaning they have attached to past experiences and personal tolerance levels. It is each person’s responsibility to let others know when someone has crossed their personal boundaries. You need to clearly and calmly let people know when they have crossed your boundary every time they do so, that way they don’t think your just overwhelmed elsewhere and you’re being irrational. When really you’re just trying to be patient until you no longer can.

Knowing that your being understood is extremely important in this process. If the other person can’t tell you what they understood in their own words you need to keep reframing the story your telling yourself, until they understand how your interpreting their intent. Once they understand they have a few options that tend toward healthier communication. They can explain their intent was not meant to cause pain, and explain what their intent was.

They can also express an “I wish” statement, considering this is often a new concept allow me to explain. I wish statements are used to create a blueprint for what should have gone differently on your end. This is not to say that you wish you were all perfect and no problems arose. It is however used to say within the problems that existed that were not in your control how you wish you responded to all of that.

This blueprint needs to be a genuine alternative or its meaningless. This blueprint makes it more likely that you will do something different when your emotionally overwhelmed. We are all flawed and it takes time to truly change our behavior, but when we make an I wish statement we are first of all stating that we can see how we damaged the relationship and that you see an alternative that could meet both of your needs next time. If you do the same behavior own up to it and either let the person know that you were being reactive and you continue to wish for the alternative healthier response, or that the response you had thought of is not as realistic during an emotional exchange as you had thought.

 

Written By Madison Zundel, MA, LAMFT, Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

Relationship Land Mines – How to Handle Them

All people have topics or behavior that are emotional landmines. I think of watching M.A.S.H seeing a big sign saying, “DANGER-MINE FIELD.” I love to picture this sign in my relationships. If these emotional landmines are going to be there I think it is essential for survival to create a boundary around the mine fields. I have found it courteous to set boundaries around mine, so that people have more freedom within a relationship with me. If people don’t set boundaries around their own boundaries I have to create boundaries to keep myself safe from their emotional landmines, unfortunately I don’t know exactly where the landmines

are, so I have to create a boundary with large radius for extra safety. This is unfortunate because If boundaries are bigger than they need to be for the emotional safety this is limiting the potential for emotional intimacy in the relationship.

This is not only unfortunate for the person who “steps” on the emotional landmines, but also the person with the emotional landmines without appropriate boundaries. People thrive on relationships and connections. People who don’t create boundaries are absolutely terrified of being alone. Without knowing about emotional landmines, if you had the choice between land without blocked off areas and land that had nothing on it, the land without any blocked off areas seems more attractive, at least until you start walking over it! A person without boundaries want to attract people, and boundaries are not attractive. Their need for connection is not inherently bad, they are meeting this need in the only way they know how, because they haven’t experienced a long term intimate relationship as an example. Therefore, they have people around them who are avoiding a close relationship, or freeze to avoid any emotional landmines.

When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t create boundaries, you will often find yourself apologizing without knowing how you’re at fault. If apologizing becomes your default to suppress emotional explosions, you will attract people who have a need to blame.  People who blame are only considering their own needs, people who apologize as a default only consider the needs of others. A healthy relationship will balance your emotional needs with the needs of others with consideration of the context. If this isn’t happening your efforts to get closer to people will result in resentments. If you’re thinking “if they only knew what I was really thinking, they wouldn’t love me.” You will feel lonely in a room of people who love you.

When you share your truth, unfortunately you do risk losing people in your life.  However, knowing that even the one person who stays loves every part of you, and respects you enough to respect your boundaries will be worth anyone you lose. This is the most difficult part of setting boundaries, you have to reach a point where you can accept losing a relationship all together in order to do what it takes to be a healthier person. Accepting that you could lose a relationship means that if they are uncomfortable with boundaries they may cutoff communication with you. When you respect yourself and you respect other people enough to show them where your boundaries are to keep you and them emotionally safe, you will begin attracting healthier relationships.

Written by Madison Price, MS, LAMFT – Therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families