Published in the Bay Area Health & Wellness Magazine, Houston, Visit us at txhwmagazines.com
Studies show about 1 out of every 6 adults will have depression at some time in their life. This means that you probably know someone who is depressed or may become depressed at some point. We often think of a depressed person as someone who is sad or melancholy. However, there are other signs of depression that can be a little more difficult to detect.
If you notice a change in a loved one’s sleeping habits pay close attention as this could be a sign of depression. Oftentimes depression leads to trouble sleeping and lack of sleep can also lead to depression.
Quick to Anger
When a person is depressed even everyday challenges can seem more difficult or even impossible to manage which often leads to increased anger and irritability. This can be especially true for adolescents and children.
When someone is suffering from depression you may notice a lack of interest in past times he or she typically enjoys. “People suffering from clinical depression lose interest in favorite hobbies, friends, work — even food. It’s as if the brain’s pleasure circuits shut down or short out.”
Gary Kennedy, MD, director of geriatric psychiatry at Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York cautions that a loss of appetite can be a sign of depression or even a sign of relapse back into depression. Dr. Kennedy also points out that others have trouble with overeating when they are depressed.
Depression often leaves people feeling down about themselves. Depression can lead to feelings of self-doubt and a negative attitude.
What to do
If you suspect you or someone you love may be suffering from depression talk about it, encourage him or her to get professional help and once he or she does be supportive. Remember that at times symptoms of depression need to be treated just like any other medical condition.
About the Author: Alberto has worked in healthcare for over 10 years. He began as a CNA and then worked as a registered nurse until completing his Master’s Degree in Nursing. Alberto has been been working as a Nurse Practitioner since April of 2013. In addition to his work as a Nurse Practitioner, he also teaches online classes for the Dixie State University Nursing Program. He is currently working at the St. George Center For Couples & Families.
The holidays can be a wonderful time of the year with the sparkle of lights, family gatherings, and good food. However they can also remind us of what we may be lacking, and leave us feeling less than completely happy. We want so much to give of ourselves and yet often get overwhelmed with the stress that tends to accompany this special time of the year. If we are dealing with a major change or loss it can become even more challenging to feel the joy amidst the sorrow. One thing I have learned over the years is that no one is immune from pain and stress. Life is hard. However, I have also found that those tough times are when I have been pushed to dig deep and recognize what it is that matters the very most to me.
Here are some lessons I have learned that have helped me over the years to remember that which matters most.
Choose to Be Present
When life becomes challenging we often focus on the future or on things outside our control. We may tell ourselves that we will be happy when we land a different job, make more money, find a new partner… the list goes on and on. We waste a lot of time waiting for happiness to happen down the road and fail to notice the little blessings right in front of us. Choosing to recognize the moments of goodness today enable us to be more ready to embrace the moments of greatness when they do enter our lives. If we only keep our sights focused on the destination, we will miss much of the journey.
Choosing to Love Deeply
When we are suffering, we sometimes forget that we are not alone. There is strength in connecting with others. There is power derived from leaning on each other and receiving/giving support. Part of loving is accepting what another is able to give. It is also accepting what we are capable of giving and knowing when enough is enough. We may not always be able to extend ourselves as much as we would like, but loving ourselves gives us permission to give what we can and let that be sufficient. Loving those in our lives means slowing down and listening. It may be taking the time to notice the little things before they are gone.
Choosing to Slow Down
I cannot count the times I have been rushing around, checking if the kids teeth were brushed and gathering my stuff for the day when I have miscalculated the countertop and watched a cup of juice fall to the floor, almost in slow motion. It is in those moments that I am rushing, that I tend to make my biggest mistakes. Sometimes it is just spilt juice, but sometimes it is a hurtful word or a lack of sensitivity. Being hurried zaps the joy out of the little moments that draw us closer to others and hinders us from being more centered on those things that mean the most. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe, sit with a child, laugh, and listen.
I hope that at this special time of the year, we will remember what matters most. May we each find ways to lengthen the fleeting joyful moments and nurture those around us by being present today and loving more deeply. These principles can be the greatest gift we can ever give, not just to others, but also to ourselves.
About the Author: Cecilie Ott is an Associate Marriage & Family Therapist. She received her bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University in Psychology and her Masters degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Utah State University. She has worked extensively in the area of addiction (substance abuse and sexual addiction), and loves working with couples to help strengthen and heal relationships. Cecilie is a native of Northern California and has called St. George home since 2006.
Life can get super busy. There are so many things we have to do in a day… make breakfast, feed the kids, change diapers, clean, make lunch, feed the kids, clean, work, clean, go shopping, put toys away. And we do it all over again the next day and the day after that. When we get into this kind of routine, it feels like there is no room to make time to connect with our children. We often feel stuck or too exhausted to problem solve. We don’t have to make drastic changes in our routine. The secret is that little moments every day add up. Here are several simple things you can do to better connect with your children.
1) Let your children help out. This can be challenging. For example, I’ve found that involving my toddler in the kitchen makes tasks longer and often creates a big mess. However, I know that she loves helping me mix things and measure ingredients. I also know that I feel happy when we spend this time together. In addition, helping can also teach kids things such as math and motor skills.
2) Talk with your children while driving. Engage them in conversation. Talk to them about how their day is going. Sing songs with them or sing to them if they are too young. They will enjoy it.
3) Watch TV with your kids. I sometimes find myself needing a break and put the TV on for the kids. This break time can be a great time to connect with your kids through cuddling or talking with them about what they are watching.
4) Take 10-15 minutes out of your day to have one on one time with your child. This can be challenging, especially for mothers with many children or who work. Be disciplined in scheduling 10-15 minutes a day for the purpose of connecting with your child. If 10-15 minutes isn’t feasible, try 5 minutes, or if circumstances demand it spend time with one child a day . The important thing is consistency. During this time, play with them and give them your undivided attention.
5) Bedtime. Make it meaningful and a time you look forward to. Chat, tell each other stories, read books, sing, pray, or any other calming activity that allows you to connect..
As parents, sometimes we feel like we are in survival mode. Life gets busy but it is important to mindful of being present with our children. If we practice being in the here and now, our children will take notice and we will have a stronger relationship.
About the Author: Carol Kim is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist who has spent the past 6 years practicing in several cities across the United States, including Boston, San Francisco, and now, American Fork. She is passionate about applying the principles of therapy to improve lives and relationships, and is committed to creating a safe, comfortable, and supportive environment.
Most people I meet don’t meditate, though many have tried it once or twice. What we know about meditation usually comes from TV shows and movies, where wizened gurus tell us to think of nothing, or to clear our minds. But anyone who has ever tried to think of nothing knows how impossible that is. How do you visualize and think about something that doesn’t exist?! I’m not sure you can. The irony is, we think of “nothing” by thinking with intense focus on something.
There’s more than one way to meditate, but in general, the important part is that we concentrate on something in our present reality. For most, that means concentrating on our breathing, how do we do that? It’s helpful to pick one aspect of our breathing like the way the air feels in our nostrils, or the sound the air makes as it goes in and out. Focusing on our breathing anchors our awareness to the present moment, and that is the essence of mindfulness. We become more aware of our existence. We get out of our head and start to concentrate on being. We notice the signals coming from our body, we become more connected to ourselves, more in touch with what we are experiencing in the moment. As we become focused on just being, existing without having to do or think about anything, we find a stillness that begins to settle on us. It is an amazing feeling and one that you just don’t experience unless you’ve practiced calming your mind. Some people like being out in nature because it helps them find this clarity and calmness. But we don’t need to plan an expedition so that we can feel peace. The brain can’t really tell the difference between being in the woods and imagining being in the woods.
Visualizing being in a beautiful place where nothing is required of you, where you are
your perfect self is an incredibly powerful way to let go of the sorrows and worries we usually carry around. For the time we are meditating, it’s like we’re a different person who doesn’t feel stress. Really though, this is our true self, this is the person we are when the baggage of the world is stripped away. We can access this blissful, stable, and happy self of ours whenever we pause to meditate. With practice, we strengthen the neural pathways of peace in our brains. Where once there was an overgrown and hard to find path to peace, with frequent use, we can pave it to create a wide freeway leading to serenity. It took me about a year of consistent practice to get to that point. It was well worth it, because now at any time, I can concentrate and return to stillness without actually having to meditate. Frequent meditators enjoy more happiness, deeper sleep, better immune systems, and less fear. It is a skill worth practicing, that I hope someday will come to rightly be seen as important as eating our vegetables.
About the Author Kenneth Jeppesen is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He earned a bachelor’s degree in Child and Family Studies from Weber State University, and a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Converse College in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Kenneth is a therapist at the Provo Center for Couples & Families.
Compassion, a universal cure to what ails us as individuals, societies, and nations, is the response to the suffering of others that creates a desire to help. This attribute, essential to the optimal practice of medicine and healing, gives the healer an understanding and appreciation of the effects of suffering and sickness on the attitudes and behaviors of others. More than mere tolerance, it creates a feeling similar to love, in the universal sense of that word.
While browsing my library recently, I noticed a paperback by the Dalai Lama called Beyond Religion, Ethics for a Whole World. A skilled, heartfilled local meditation teacher, Terry Conrad, uses it when he teaches at the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute (OLLI) and it found its way to our library through my wife’s work there.
The Dalai Lama, a Buddhist by tradition, pointed out that the compassion lived and espoused by the founders of all major spiritual traditions is often lost amongst their followers. In the name of religion and the defense of various ideologies and creeds, people across time have often violently departed from the teachings of their revered scriptures and teachers. They visit upon others what they would not want done to themselves. Compassion has often been abandoned, leaving the world a worse place.
The philosophically practical Dalai Lama points out that we all share a common humanity. We are not necessarily born into a religion or belief system, but are all driven by a desire to be happy and to avoid suffering. Acknowledging that all other humans share that same basic drive is the basis of compassion. This means seeing others as more like us than different from us, seeing their suffering as our own. Compassion is a necessity to the survival of humanity. Without it, we turn on each other like wild and undisciplined animals.
How do we develop compassion? It is an intrinsic human trait universally encouraged by all major spiritual traditions. Meditating on compassion for others and ourselves helps us bring it into our daily lives and consciousness.
I wrote awhile ago about the “Loving kindness Meditation” which I have found helpful in bridging the compassion gap between me and those I see as different from me. While there are many versions, here is one to consider. I keep it taped onto my dashboard and my phone.
May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be filled with loving kindness to yourself and all others.
Consider this kind of compassion building meditation/prayer exercise daily with a
focus first on compassion for yourself. As you continue, channel it mentally toward someone you greatly respect and honor such as a spiritual teacher; then to a dearly beloved person such as a spouse or family member; then to a person whom you know but feel neutral toward; and finally direct your loving kindness meditation toward someone who you consider hostile or even hateful.
Do your part in building a more compassionate you and a more compassionate world.
The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists, who are dedicated to justice, peace, and brotherhood. The trailblazers in human, academic, scientific, and religious freedom have always been nonconformists. In any cause that concerns the progress of mankind, put your faith in the nonconformist! -Martin Luther King, Jr.
*Previously published in Galveston county daily news.
About the Author: Dr. Victor Sierpina is currently the director of the Medical Student Education Program at UTMB, Galveston. He is a WD and Laura Nell Nicholson Family Professor of Integrative Medicine, and also a Professor in Family Medicine. He is a University of Texas Distinguished Teaching Professor. His clinical interests have long included holistic practices, wellness, lifestyle medicine, mind-body therapies, acupuncture, integrative oncology, nutrition, and non-pharmacological approaches to pain.
The mother-daughter relationship is complex, complicated, and ever evolving. Some mothers and daughters talk all the time, while others speak more sparingly. Some deal with conflict head on; others avoid fighting at all costs. No matter how you relate to one another, there will be arguments between mothers and daughters. How is it that mothers and daughters are masters at pushing each other’s buttons?
Becoming the mother of a daughter can inherently trigger issues you have with your own mother, and those feelings start influencing this new relationship. You’ve probably told yourself, “I’ll never do xyz, like my mother did!” Then later, you hear yourself saying that exact phrase that used to drive you crazy. Women also tend to communicate verbally, which leads to more interactions that are perfectly aligned for conflict. A mother makes a comment about her daughter’s hair, with the intention of caring for her daughter and making sure that she is set up for success (and underlying that, proving she’s a good mother), whereas the daughter interprets that as a criticism, which triggers fears that maybe she’s not perfect.
If you are noticing tension in your mother-daughter relationship, know that it’s normal. There are easy steps you can take that can improve your relationship, although admittedly, they will require some practice in both of your parts.
• Communicate clearly – Sometimes mothers and daughters feel so close that they assume the other person just knows what they need, and therefore don’t communicate at all. Neither of you are mind readers, so you still have to be clear about what you need. It’s ok to say, “Mom, I just really need you to listen” or “I feel hurt that you yelled at me in that way.” You can also reflect back what the other person just said so that you make sure you understood their point.
• Repair damage quickly – In healthy relationships, people don’t avoid conflict. Differences of opinion are unavoidable, and therefore, we have to find a constructive way to deal with conflict. By not dealing with issues, we actually hold on to them and carry them into our future relationships. Make decisions about what will be most helpful and pick your battles about what to argue over. If you’ve lashed out or said something hurtful, apologize and take the time to explore your feelings and why that took place.
• Set boundaries – Boundary setting in very important no matter what stage of the relationship you are in. Here’s one of the best definitions of boundaries that I’ve ever heard: “What’s ok and not ok.” You can decide for yourself exactly what behaviors are ok and not ok, and then you have to communicate those and follow through.
The mother-daughter connection is incredibly special, but also challenging. It’s worth putting effort into this important relationship, as it’s a foundation for other healthy interactions in life. You both deserve to have a meaningful connection, enjoy being together, and find support from one another. What will you do to grow your relationship today?
About the Author: Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT, LPC is passionate about working with couples and families looking to understand how the tough stuff plays out in interactions and how to move past the fighting. She specializes in couples therapy, infertility counseling, and the transition to parenthood. Erika is located at the South Shore Center for Couples & Families
Many of us are overly stressed. We strive to balance our demands at home, work, and other community obligations. With these competing demands it is easy to understand why people don’t want to add anything else to our busy life. However, there is one emotion that has the power to put stress in its place—gratitude.
Stress is a chronic problem and wastes our energy and can actually have a negative impact on our health and our personal relationships (Childre & Martin, 1999). Researchers have discovered that our heart is much more than a pump. Our heart is part of our nervous system and even has it own brain. Additionally, researchers originally thought that our brain controlled our heart but we now know that our heart can influence and even override signals from our brain while regulating our body (Childre & Martin, 1999). In sending signals to our brain and to aid in body regulation our heart produces neurotransmitters and hormones. One of these is hormones is atrial natriuretic factor (ATF) or the “balance hormone”. This hormone regulates many of our bodily functions, blood pressure, and electrolyte balance (Childre & Martin, 1999). Gratitude is one of the keys to having our systems balanced to facilitate being calm and relaxed.
Getting away from some of the negative thoughts and feelings in our head such as frustration, anger and stress and focusing on our hearts with positive feelings of affection, appreciation, love, compassion and gratitude keep or heartbeat consistent and coherent and allow us to perform at our best (Childre & Martin, 1999). When I am overly stressed or negative, I have found that gratitude or appreciation is one of the easier positive emotions on which to focus to reduce the stress. An example from my life will illustrate how this works.
One night it snowed a lot. I was scheduled to go for an 8 mile run the next morning. I grew up with cold winters and spent many childhood winters playing in the snow and as a teenager many weekends skiing. However, since moving to the south I have come to appreciate the warm winter weather and the luxury of year around training outside. I looked out the window and the negativity started; I hate being cold, I don’t need this workout, I can’t run that far, etc. With encouragement from my wife I got dressed and headed out. I discovered early on that I was correct—it was cold outside and I hated it, my legs felt like cement and I had strong doubts about completing the workout, and I thought I should just stop and go home. As I rounded a corner the wind started to blow snow from the trees into the sunlight. It was absolutely beautiful. My focus shifted from negativity and doubt to appreciation for the scenery, my ability to run, and being grateful to be outside. My ability to perform dramatically improved. My legs lightened up, I did not notice the cold and had a great run. What made the difference? I shifted to positive emotions (different from just positive thoughts) and the subsequent physiological heartbeat changes that accompany those feelings. I have used this moment as a guide and I have had similar experiences when work, family, or other obligations have stressed me.
So what is the key to applying this information to reducing stress? Shift your focus to the positive emotion of appreciation or gratitude. It may be helpful to focus on the scenery, the enjoyment you get out of your family, or think of someone you love and appreciate. This is more involved than making a list of things you are grateful for, it is focusing on theses things until you feel the appreciation or gratitude. It is important to practice these skills at various times during the day. Build them into your day and make them a part of your routine. While these skills take practice the return on the little investment of time will be worth the rewards.
Reference: Childre, D. & Martin, H. (1999). The heartmath solution. San Francisco: Harper.
About the Author: Dr. Lee Johnson is a faculty member in the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Brigham Young University. He is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AAMFT approved supervisor, and a USAT Certified Triathlon Coach.
How do we age gracefully? Let’s face it, we are all growing older. With each birthday, we are given another year to celebrate. Yet, as the candles increase on the cake, it seems harder to blow them all out at once!
Society does not help the situation with our huge campaign of “fighting aging.” And, the truth is, our body certainly takes the brunt of aging, as does our mind. A lot of these effects are natural, and we are slowly learning to embrace the beauty of growing older, rather than fighting it. The baby boomers may be to thank for the gradual shift. With the largest population known in history reaching age 65 and older, science and technology are providing phenomenal resources for everything from medicine to anti-aging products. There is a massive education focus and increase in quality living; 50 is truly fabulous, and 70 is suddenly not old, it’s the new 60!
However, the reality is, that for most of us to age gracefully, the same thing is required of us as is with almost anything else that we value in life: EFFORT. And focusing that effort into physical activity and mental stimulation will gain the most benefits. In short, get moving!
According to Colin Miller, CEO of the International Council on Active Aging, we now know that a lot of the problems previously thought to be related to aging aren’t related to aging at all, but rather to disuse of the body (WebMD). Years of sedentary and unhealthy lifestyles are ultimately what cause problems as we get older, not necessarily aging itself.
The good news is we are learning that there are ways to change the cycle. Research from The American Geriatric Society tells us that inactivity doubles the risk of mobility limitations as we age, while vigorous activity has the opposite effect. Exercise has also been proven to slow cognitive declines, keeping our minds sharper longer. The baby boomers are not letting this opportunity slip by them. No longer are we in a world where turning 65 means settling into your favorite armchair.
Active senior living can be found almost anywhere and should certainly be pursued to assist in aging gracefully. Examples are fairly simple: walking at least 30 minutes a day, gardening, golfing, eating fruits, vegetables, healthy grains, laughter, playing with grandchildren or volunteering at a local elementary school. The lessons we’ve been taught throughout our years of living healthy determine how we will age. So let’s get moving and make healthy choices!
About the Author: Carrie Ermshar, MHA serves the field of aging services with experience in care management services, operations management, program development, and education. Carrie has 20 years executive leadership with long term care services, and passion for integrating healthy aging options within health care and local communities.
First, let me say, “Thank You!” In case you have not heard it today, I want to remind you that you have a significant impact on the ones around you. Second, let me encourage you to receive the “thank you.” Allow yourself to breathe deep the reality of your role. You are loving, caring, shaping, serving, laughing, crying, holding, cherishing, protecting, correcting and investing in your little one(s). Did I mention you are doing a great job?
As a son, father and husband, I have observed motherhood up close and personally. I see the investment, the fatigue, the worry, the hope, the celebrations and the seeming defeats. I know there are sleepless nights and sleepless weeks and sleepless years. There is endless work in the home and often work outside the home. Not to mention you might want to have at least one friend and an occasional night to relax. Does it seem like you are supposed to offer others the whole world while not losing your world? Quite the tall task if you ask me. Do everything. Be everything. Never make a mistake. Always smile. And do it all with grace and patience.
On this Mother’s Day, let’s celebrate you. Let’s acknowledge that every day is a chance to celebrate Mother’s Day because mothers serve and love daily (Yes, dads do as well, but this article is all about moms). Moms, with all the burden you carry for your family, I want to remind you to breathe. You deserve it. Find time to embrace your courage and strength. Make celebrating the simple things a daily habit.
Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, highlighted motherhood as one of the most significant areas women feel shame1. How have we allowed this in our culture? I believe it is time for us to shift from shame to celebration. Motherhood is the result of life. Motherhood is a heart of love. Motherhood is a relationship to be celebrated.
Tips for embracing more celebration:
• Celebrate daily: Identify successes every day. Share them at dinner time. Journal them before bed. Text them to a friend. Did the kids eat, did they get a hug, did you share a laugh? Count every success, especially the small ones.
• Find time to refresh: You need energy to celebrate. Make time to recharge and refresh. You care for your kids, make sure you care for yourself. Go for a walk, take time to journal, meet a friend for dinner, schedule time every month to reenergize who you are.
• Write notes to your child(ren): Taking time to encourage your child(ren) increases purpose and passion. Writing helps your focus and shapes your perspective. Writing notes gives a gift to your kid(s) and to your heart. This practice will help keep you focused on the big picture…loving well!
• Use the buddy system: Find others to share the journey with. Find a friend who encourages you. Find someone to encourage. This journey is too meaningful to experience alone.
We love and celebrate you mom!
1. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. New York: Gotham, 2012. Print.
About the Author: Kurt Attaway is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate in Texas. Kurt graduated with his Master’s from UHCL, where he was listed the top family therapist in his class. He values working cooperatively and collaboratively with his clients to help them take steps forward that bring greater expressions of life, hope and wholeness. Kurt works in private practice at The Center for Couples and Families, and serves as the Director of the WholeFit Leadership Team. Here he works with individuals and corporations to help increase the health and wellness of his clients mentally, physically, relationally and professionally.
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